Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I Hereby Declare a Joke Contest!


All jokes must be clean. All words contained in the joke must be words you would say in front of your mother. ;)

Bonus points for original jokes. As in, jokes I've never heard before, which isn't hard to do! :D Even if I've heard it before, I often can't remember!

Leave your joke as a comment and scatter laughter wher'ere we go!

Whomever makes me laugh the hardest wins a glorious prize... this is me, people. It will involve sewing and you will like it, I nearly promise! :)

I'll start by recounting one of my Dad's jokes... Sorry, Dad, if you want to participate, you'll have to come up with a new one. ;)

Once there was a scientist. He took a frog and placed it behind a line on a table and yelled "Jump!"
The frog jumped 5 feet! The scientist was impressed and recorded the data in his journal.

Next, he cut off one of the frog's back legs, placed it behind the line and again yelled "Jump!"
The frog jumped only 2 and a half feet this time and off to one side.
The scientist recorded the data.

Then, he cut off the frog's second back leg, placed it behind the line and once again yelled, "Jump!"
The frog didn't move, so he raised his voice and yelled louder, "JUMP!"
The frog still didn't move.

The scientists' conclusion: When you cut off a frog's legs, he can't hear.


Melissa M. said...

What did the frog say when she made a mistake while sewing?
"Ripp-itt, Ripp-itt!"

Grandma Turtle said...

A snail was sliding down a sidewalk one day. Two turtles came along and beat him up. Later, the policeman asked the snail if he had seen who had attacked him. The snail said, "No. It all happened so fast!"

Dadlee said...

A man brags to a friend about his new hearing aid. "It's the most expensive one I've had - it cost me $3,500!"
His friend asks, "What kind is it?"
The braggart says, "Half past four."

Geoffrey said...

A guy goes into a bar and starts screaming,
"I'm a Tee-Pee , I'm a Wig-Wam, I'm a Tee-Pee , I'm a Wig-Wam, I'm a Tee-Pee , I'm a Wig-Wam, I'm a Tee-Pee , I'm a Wig-Wam"
The bartender interrupts and says, relax man, you're two tents.

Geoffrey said...

Two old men were talking one day about where they liked to dine around town.
One said to the other, "Oh, I went to the BEST restaurant the other day, the service was exceptional, the food was fabulous, and the waitresses were beautiful."
"Oh really?", replied his friend, "What was the name of the place?"
The man thought and thought, but to no avail.
Finally, he asked his friend, "What do you call that flower that you give someone you like?"
"Daisy?", asked the friend.
"No, thats not it"
"No, thats still not right"
"Um.... Rose?"
"Yeah, that's it!"
He called to his wife, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that place we went to eat the other day?"

mom2jtm said...

Gee, I'll have to think on this one for awhile. I'm no good at remembering jokes. Maybe I'll see if Chad can help me with one. I would love to win a surprise from the sewing table of diana. :)

The Crider Clan said...

An elderly married couple go to the doctor to talk about their recent troubles with memory loss. The doctor suggests that they try writing things down. So the couple buys two pads of paper and two pens. A few days later, the elderly husband and wife are doing well, and find that writing things down really does help them remember. Then one night the wife says to the husband, "I'd like a bowl of ice cream with strawberries on it, please dear...write it down." The husband replies that he does not need to write it down, he'll just go right now and get her ice cream. So the elderly husband is in the kitchen for about 20 minutes, and the elderly wife is wondering what is taking her husband so long. Then he comes out with a plate of fried eggs, bacon, and toast, and hands it to his wife, and says "Here you go dear!" The wife replies, "I told you, you should have written it down! I said I wanted scrambled eggs!"

Sophie said...

A band teacher was put on death row for throwing his baton at a student and killing him. He was getting the electric chair. On the day he was supposed to sit in the chair the officers asked him if he had any last requests. "Yes, I would like a box of bananas." They granted him the bananas and he ate them all. When they turned the chair on, it shorted out, and the band teacher was fine. "Well, we'll have to fix the chair and try again tomorrow." The next day the band teacher came in again, and again the officers asked if he had any last requests. His request was the same, a box of bananas. He was given them. After eating them they turned the chair on and again the chair shorted out. The same thing happened the next day too. After shorting the chair three times the officer's asked, "Why is this happening? Is it because of all the bananas?" "No, said the band teacher, I'm just a bad conductor." Heee heee heee

mom2jtm said...

A customer comes into the vets office and says "my dog isn't moving dr. what's wrong with it?" The vet takes the dog into the examining room lays it on the table...nothing. He goes to the back of the office and brings back a cat. He sets the cat down on the table where it proceeds to walk around the dog....nothing. The vet turns to the customer and says it appears your dog is dead. A few days go by and the customer gets a bill in the mail for $500. The customer is very upset and calls the vets office to find out why the bill is so much. The vet explains the charges as $100 for the office visit and $400 for the CAT scan.