Wednesday, January 26, 2011

"Looks Like Someone's Got a Case of the S'posed'as!"

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should,
Just because you should, doesn't mean you will,
Just because you will, doesn't mean you did,
Just because you did, doesn't mean you should have....

I can talk myself out of just about anything. For instance, I've talked myself out of sleep in order to finish typing this. :) I regularly talk myself out of blogging for all kinds of distracting reasons. They're very good reasons, but there are things that, since they can't argue their side of things, end up spending a lot of time on the 'back burner.' I'm sure you're wondering what some of those things could be...

Cleaning my own room. I regularly force my children to clean their rooms, meanwhile moving stacks around in my own room in order to sleep. Granted, I don't have clothes covering every inch of carpet like they do, but I could be WAY better at making my resting room a lot more restful.

Being creative. I have a creative soul which I regularly suppress with mundane household chores. "I'll sew once I catch up on the dishes," I think to myself, fully realizing that dishes are a job that is never all the way done. "I'll write on my blog once I've sewn that dress for myself I've been meaning to." I think it is safe to say that I will eventually sew my 50s inspired dress, but if I wait until then to blog at all, my writing abilities will leak out of my ear as a dark, sticky ooze.

Reading and doing extra spiritual things during the week. I shouldn't even admit to this one, but this is easily one of the things I feel the guiltiest about as I shift it to the ubiquitous back burner. I don't mean to... I really want to read my scriptures and work on my Personal Progress goals and read extra Conference talks and I do, but not nearly so often as I should!

Taking time for myself. It's no accident that all of the things I just listed fall under this category. I am the #1 thing I neglect in my own life.

I've just come through a dark couple of weeks. You may not have noticed even if you're close to me because I hide it pretty well. The strings on my little bag of marbles have slowly been loosening and I'm pretty sure I lost a couple of them. Luckily, I have an incredible support network that helped me find them and said just the right things to help me not to feel alone and to know that I can make it. The most important revelation I had, though, was during a very tearful prayer one night. As I poured out my heart and soaked the corner of my bed, it all felt very random and hopeless and chaotic until... until I had the thought that I needed to take more time for myself. The tears slowly calmed and peace sent from a loving Heavenly Father confirmed that I needed to do more for me and not just everyone else. I was sent here to have my own experiences, not just to facilitate others'. I need to have my own joy while making joy for others. I need to remember why my husband thought I would make a good wife and pay attention to the ways that he still tells me that every day. I need to put on my own oxygen mask before I can strap one to my kids.

I am incredibly grateful for a husband who really does value who I am and what I do for my family. For my Mom who is always there with a shoulder and a cheerful "You can do it!" For two unbelievably awesome sisters who each have a unique way of encouraging and commiserating and following promptings to call me. For my brother who only has to look at me with that "Oh, really?" look in his eye that tells me I'm not fooling anyone. For friends who totally GET the disability thing and not only don't judge me for the disparaging thoughts I have sometimes, but have had them, too and it's okay. For a new day every day in which I can try new things, attempt to accomplish my goals, hug lots of people (especially little ones) and eat lots of chocolate!

Here's to trying again tomorrow to talk myself INTO doing something that is just for me!

7 comments:

Carissa said...

Your plate is definitely full. But you should always save a little room for dessert! Not that I wouldn't put my money on you in an eating competition, because you are awesome.

aprilhoyt said...

I think that far too often parents forget to think about themselves. And just like you said, it's hard to lift others up, when we're below them. If we're always pushing them up, we don't always go up with them.
Hang in there!!! You are amazing!

Ashley King said...

I think you're Super Woman. Have I told you that before? Even Super Woman has bad days though, but know that even when you're feeling lousy and unmotivated and aren't reading your scriptures as regularly as you'd like to, you are still inspiring and uplifting other people. Darn, I miss seeing you!

Grandma Turtle said...

You are right, you hid your feelings really well. You are NOT to be congratulated for that, however. You need to be SPANKED! ...and sent to your room... for a nap, and some quiet time and some reading time, and some chocolate. Love You.

Burt Family said...

Oh Diana! How I wish I could come over and give you a big hug because that is what friends do for one another! Also, I love this post and it made me cry not only because I can read the hurting you have but because I too feel this way. I am guilty for not taking time for me and then when I finally do I feel guilty for doing it! Oh, such a vicious circle. I love you and look up to you in ways you will never know! Hang in there! Miss you my friend!

Colleen/Grandma/Mom said...

Great post, Diana! Even at 59, I can relate, and I still struggle with some of the same things. Just do the best you can, and don't forget your oxygen mask analogy.

K said...

Once there was a beautiful woman who cooked homemade meals, cared lovingly for her children and won aprons in contests...
I have always looked up to you, and not just because you are significantly taller than I am. No matter how rotten you feel, how busy life gets, or how many dishes are in your sink remember that there are lots of people carrying fond, loving memories of you with them wherever they go. You are just that kind of person. You are so good!
I think that the devil makes us feel as if we have no options, that it's one way or no way. With the Lord, our possibilities are endless!