Weakness: Speaking in Public. Strength: Testimony.

Today I fought a war with myself on the Church bench. I could tell when Fast and Testimony meeting started that I was supposed to go up there. Just that quiet little feeling that encourages us to share our thoughts and feelings. I didn't want to go. I don't like to speak in front of people. I sit there and I think of all these wonderful, eloquent things to say and I get up there in front of everyone and none of it comes out! Now, if you're kind, like my brother, you'll mention that maybe what came out, was what was supposed to come out, and I really hope that that is true. I believe it is, most of the time. I just wish I could get up and say what's in my heart the way it sounds in my head, which is always way more awesome than what actually comes out. And so, here I am, sharing more of what was actually in my heart today. That way, my kids will know that I actually have deep feelings, not just what I'm able to get past my shaking hands and stumbling tongue.

I have been thinking a lot about my youth. My days as a teenager were pretty quiet. I preferred my music in my bedroom to putting myself out there. In Arizona, where I started my teens, I had a large group of LDS friends. I think I've told the story already about what a battle I had to fight to win the privilege of hanging out with them: Conquering (or waiting out) a bully. I had incredible Young Women leaders. They weren't perfect, but they were perfect for me. They bore their testimonies to me in words and in the way that they lived. When I first became a Beehive, Cherie W. was YW president and Vicki W. was my first Beehive advisor. She gave me an apron that I still have... pink and turquoise geese and all! I hadn't been in very long when they switched things up and my Dad became Bishop and the YW president became Tammy B.... oh how I loved her! I first had Sister Greene for a new Beehive advisor and I remember when she got Sealed in the Mesa Temple. I remember when one of the Laurels that I looked up to, Sandy C., sang You Are the Wind Beneath my Wings. She was so nervous and overwhelmed by the Spirit that she could hardly make it through and Tammy was encouraging her from the piano where she was playing for her. I remember a "Through the Veil" activity with our leaders dressed in white and welcoming us to the other side. Before Young Women, when Tammy was our Merrie Miss Leader, we had a goal to gain a testimony. I remember talking about it a lot and feeling very inadequate and expressing to her that I didn't know what one felt like. She was so patient and loving in explaining to me the warm feelings of the Holy Ghost and how little things, little feelings, make up the greater whole of a testimony. It was the first time I could really say I believed in something for myself.

When I moved to Utah just before turning 16, I was pretty sure my life was over! It was a very hard move for me. I discovered that living the gospel in Utah was not "easier" than in other places. It still took a lot of hard work and I learned how not to judge people. I really got a lot out of Seminary. Starting with Brother B. in AZ who taught all day long as the only teacher to Brothers B., P. and C., who were on a team of many. My Young Women leaders in Utah were awesome, too. Sharon R. was our YW president and Sister R. was my Laurel Advisor. They helped me to choose to come to mutual and let me help plan many of the activities. We cooked and served and talked.

I don't need to be "famous" in someone's personal history to know I've made it as a Young Women leader. If they have a strong testimony and continue to add to it line upon line and I can be a part of that, I count myself lucky. If they gain confidence in themselves because they are part of planning awesome activities for their friends in our ward, what a blessing! Looking back, there are SO many people who have touched my life, prayed for me, taught me spiritual lessons, and been there for me when I needed them. More than my limited memory can still name. I want to be that window to the gospel. I want the girls in my care to remember how it feels to feel the Spirit speak to you during a lesson. I want them to lift and guide the girls around them so that they experience the unity and togetherness a great group of Young Women living the gospel can have. I want them to feel valued and gain self confidence as they progress in all areas of their life while anchoring themselves in the gospel.

THIS is what my heart has been full of lately. The simplistic, wandering testimony I said today over the pulpit was only a tiny part. I guess it pretty much always is and that has to be okay.

I know that my Heavenly Father knows me and He loves me. He shows me every day. I know that my Savior died for me and hurts when I hurt and allows me to repent when I need to. I know that the restored gospel is true. I am forever grateful for the sacrifices that Joseph Smith gave and also all of the blessed pioneers who endured so, so much so that I can have the gospel so easily accessible to myself and my family. I know that President Monson is the true prophet and he talks to God and receives revelation for us, God's children. I know that we belong in the Ward in which we live. We are supposed to be right here, with the callings that we have, with our children in classes taught my someone who was meant to be in that calling at this time for my child. I know all of this because my testimony is real and it is mine and the Lord confirms it to me by small and quiet means that are meant just for me. I share this testimony in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.