Thursday, January 26, 2006

A Lesson in Faith

I received from a friend:
Mother of A "Special" Child

When I was young, I'd often say, I'd like to be a mom someday
While playing with my baby doll, I thought that jobs not hard at all
I'd have a baby, maybe two, a girl in pink...a boy in blue
Well I grew up and sure enough,
The baby that was sent to me, was born with disabilities
At first I'm frightened through and through, there's much to learn to care for you
This wasn't in my plans at all, when I was young and played with dolls
Your mind and body were so weak, you might not ever walk or speak
So much special care required, I'm often scared and often tired
As months and years go slowly by, I smile a lot but sometimes cry
To watch you grow and not complain, though you endure your share of pain
Oh, how I'd hold you and I'd pray, that you'd be healed and whole someday
But I knew that was not to be, not physically or mentally
And so I taught you best I could, your progress wasn't very good
But then one day I realized, a I gazed into your loving eyes
That I had learned so much from you, determination...courage too
A love so unconditional, it floods my soul and always will
I'm proud to say I gave you birth, for you're an angel here on earth.

My response:
It's kind of funny because I get a lot of comments like, "I don't know how you do it, I could never do all that." To be honest, I have no idea how I do it either, I just know I have to and that Heavenly Father helps me so much along the way that I don't feel overwhelmed with it most of the time. I have a totally different paradigm and way to look at things than just about everybody else I know, though. Living with disabilities, etc. every day is so different from a lot of people's lives, but SO my life. Does that make sense? I know I don't make sense to a lot of people, I didn't think when I was playing with my dolls or babysitting or sitting in Child Development class that it would be this way. It's weird to even try to picture "the other" way because that will never be my life. I have a hard time even understanding a family with 4 children 2 years apart because I couldn't possibly do that. Let's say I was already expecting so that the new baby would arrive when Gracie was just past 2 years old. That would mean 3 kids in diapers (again) and 2 that don't walk, plus 2 that do- in different directions! :) I have to remember that families that do that, usually have an oldest who is responsible and tall enough to hold the hand of a younger sibling in a parking lot, one or two who obey and understand punishment enough not to have a meltdown in the grocery store over a treat. I really don't feel like a Mom with 6 years of experience. I have 6 years of experience with babies, but I'm only qualified with 3 years of experience in other things that so far I've only done once, such as potty training and punishing, etc.

I love my life- so much! I don't always understand my positive outlook except to say that Heavenly Father blesses me abundantly every day and that balances out the challenges that come along with this territory I am navigating. I will probably never hear Becca say, "Mama, I love you!" but I know that she does and I know she knows that I love her and that's what I have to go on until the millennium. Someone also once told me that they didn't understand why I seem to have so much faith. I don't know how to live any other way. Becca proves to me every day that the spirit inside her body needs to be here so badly that even though it has to live in a body that doesn't work properly, she is still able to find joy in her life. How can I, with all of my brain capacity, etc. not have faith when I am witness to Spiritual happenings every single day?

Wow! Didn't know I had all that in me! :)

No comments: