Your Child

This is a beautiful song that speaks right to my heart. I love the symbolism she uses of placing the beautiful, colorful pictures of families and special children over the top of hard words like pain, discouragment and diagnoses. Those are all still there, underneath. But their radiant spirits change those words into words full of light... love, beauty and hope. 

My Hubby did the 12 Days of Christmas for Lil' Ol' Me

If you aren't already my Facebook friend and didn't get to follow along, this is Geoff's post so you can see all the fun pictures of things.

http://geoffreysagers.blogspot.com/2014/01/12-days-of-christmas-for-wife.html

He did such a great job and it was SO fun to open each one each day. I still don't know where he hid them or when or how he put them up on their special spot on the corner of the mantle each morning. The kids made sure I opened each one before they left for the day. It was a family affair, really.

The van appraisal almost made me cry! It would be a dream come true to have a van that was easier to get Becca in and out of. I am so glad we are finally on the same page about this. We still have some giant steps to take, but this is the first one and it's in the direction that it needs to be.

The coolest part about it is that they were all just for me. In fact, most of them were things he doesn't even like. I don't buy them for me either because I'm the only one that would eat them... it seems more prudent to buy things everyone likes. Do you know the last time I put mushrooms in anything? *sigh* Everyone tried the baby corn and nobody likes that either. I might have weird taste in food, but now it means I get it all to myself!

The snowballs were embarrassing! I made him blur them out on Facebook, but obviously he didn't here. He thought himself pretty funny. And it was. But it was also embarrassing!

The jewelry holder is incredible! I have been moving earrings over as I wear them to make sure only the ones I actually wear make it over there. :) As a matter of history, my jewelry is moving over from a wooden heart necklace holder my Mom made for me when I was young and a plastic mesh earring holder that Grandma Joyce (a childhood neighbor) made for me.

Sentimental much?

Hey!

The night's not over yet, but I can see that you're getting a bit discouraged, so I thought I'd start early and then add stuff as we go. You were doing pretty good until Becca had a big seizure right as school was getting over. Driving to get her wasn't fun, I can tell. It threw off your groove! You might want to find a new way to get there before that stoplight gives you permanent anxiety, Friend. ;)

You braved the crowds at the school today and saw your kids sing their hearts out. I don't understand why they combined all of the Kindergarten and Preschool kids and made all the parents come in the morning either! I know how you just loooove a good crowd. Not! The other parents all acted like they were the ONLY parent in the room, but you could still see Landon if you tilted your head just right! And you went! You were there! And you got to drive home with just Landon and that was fun. :) It's okay that you don't attempt pictures at these things. Who needs a poorly lit faraway picture when you can have one like this:

It happened on the same day and you can see their faces WAY better! And you got to enjoy the singing instead of ending up with a swervy poorly lit video that you have to count heads in order to find your kid in.

You mailed off an order today! You even doubled it so that some lucky family gets 2 oxygen tank covers. I really hope that they get there on time for Christmas, because we all know they ordered them in enough time. Teacher gifts went to school today... Good job! You even got a personal thank you from Becca's teachers. ;) While Geoff was out there actually mailing off your order, he also picked up some fun treats for the bus drivers. They will really love them when school starts in 2 weeks... you might wanna throw those in the freezer or something. ;) 

They say something like "Thank you for being such SWEETARTS and waiting for us while we are such BUTTERFINGERS getting Becca ready. Merry WHATCHAMACALLIT... I mean, Merry Christmas!"

You're doing a great job on Donata's embroidery project. I'm pretty sure she will love whatever you end up doing... just as long as you DO it! They're not all going to live in the same house, so don't worry about the size of the letters, just go for it! You've totally got this! Two down... Eleven to go! (Ug! I shouldn't have counted until I was further along.)

Geoff needed something for his project (apparently it's for you because he hasn't let you upstairs most of the night so far ;) and while he was gone you got a toasty nap under the electric blanket. Mmmm! And he even brought home pizza for dinner! 

Since you've been quarantined to the basement you have started the last of the pajama eaters for this year. Now, let's get some more embroidery on and then keep going on the pajama eaters. Don't let the embroidery get you down... one at a time... we'll get there eventually! 

And hey, he's a couple of months old now, but you finished Hayes' blanket! Maybe you can take it to Church along with your YW gifts and be the tacky queen of the day, but people will get their stuff. Maybe you can go and hold the baby another day. You could really use a baby moment. <3

Let's finish off this post with an obligatory picture of pajama eaters. All the ones you made for this year:

Washington neices and nephew.

Tooele neices and nephew.

Forgot to put the right kind of mouths on 2 of the girl ones an didn't even realize until you had made the same mistake 4 times, but they turned out different and kinda cute. 

Hey, there!

I know you don't feel like you did much today. I know your hip felt like your leg was going to fall on the floor... and then it didn't... and then it did again. I'm sorry that it hurts and that Aleve doesn't seem to help. I thought I'd remind you what you did today that was awesome even though you hurt and Ethan is now coughing and wheezing. That's not your fault, you know. He probably caught it at a friend's house whose mom didn't mention it because she thought her kids felt better enough to have a friend over. And your boys had SO much fun with their friends.

Emily got her braces today! You picked her up, fed her and her brothers, let her brush her teeth, dropped off her brother to Kindergarten and then took her to get them. She is SO excited and she's going to not only get more and more beautiful, but she will FEEL more and more beautiful as the months go by. Look how excited Geoff is to do this for her. ;) 

This is where you sat and cuddled with Ethan this afternoon. You both dozed a little, I think. He is such a cuddly boy and even more so when he doesn't feel good. I'm sorry the phone rang just as you drifted off a little bit and that you had to run all the way upstairs to answer it, but what you did here with Ethan was important. The phone call was Geoff, by the way, not to point fingers or anything. :D

You made lasagne for dinner! Even though you didn't really feel like doing something that involved, it turned out great! Gracie caught your eye and told you very sincerely how much she liked it. And even picky Ethan ate it! Score!! He didn't eat his green beans, but he did finish his lasagne.

After dinner, you buckled down to the mountain of sewing you have. I know you didn't finish as much as you'd like, but let's focus on what you DID finish! You got all the way done with teacher gifts. Nevermind that they have to go to school tomorrow... at least you weren't trying to sew things in the morning! And you finished that oxygen tank that someone ordered. It should get there in time for Christmas if Geoff really does help you get it in the mail tomorrow. Someone's oxygen toting experience is about to get a little less clanky. :D Oh, and the Young Women Leader gifts are done now, too. You could take them to Church to hand out. Maybe that's a little tacky, but I"m sure they won't mind... all of them carry big bags to Church anyway. ;D

You know, now that I think about it, the teacher gifts were done when you started sewing tonight. You only worked on the YW ones. Go, you! The towels were done way ahead of time! And you got hand soap to go with them today at the store after braces, so you're set. Nevermind that you forgot to grab food for your assignments for your Dad's birthday Sunday. Who remembers the Brussels sprouts anyway?

Now, get to bed! You've got a busy day tomorrow! After tomorrow morning, you can turn off your morning alarm for like 2 weeks! WOOHOO!! :D

Welcome to Holland

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/watch/2013/10?lang=eng&vid=2722351290001&cid=10

I was able to sit down and watch more of Conference than I thought I would... aside from taking care of Becca during choir numbers. When taking care of her once took longer than I hoped, I heard Elder Holland's voice coming from the TV downstairs and, with a few seconds of delay, coming from the radio in the living room. I hurried and finished and scooped her up and practically ran downstairs. I had to move things off of the chair with my foot and then we plopped down together to listen. 

Elder Holland described things he can only know by being there and by seeing things through the lens Heavenly Father provides him so that he can have compassion for others. He spoke, with tears in his voice, the words so many of us suffering with depression long to hear someone say. "I've been there. It's real and horrible. You can get through it. The Lord loves You." 

Somewhere in the middle of his talk he spoke to the caregivers. The first time I heard that, sitting in the chair with Becca cuddled up to me, I heard him talking to me as her caregiver. When I've re-read the talk, he was probably still talking to the caregivers of people with depression. What I needed to hear, I heard. Being Becca's caretaker is not only hard physically. I needed to hear the love and encouragement he expressed so eloquently. It was about this time in the talk when the tears running down my face became audible sobs. My 11 year old daughter turned around and looked at me and said later that I made her feel awkward because she didn't know what to say. Neither did I! It isn't often that someone expresses thoughts and feelings you so desperately need to be acknowleged and understood from a pulpit for millions of listeners to hear.

At the close of his talk, he expressed the ideal outcome that all of us hopes for. He talked of the glorious resurrection into perfect bodies with perfect minds. I saw myself standing next to glorious Becca. Both of us free from the restraints of physical and mental disabilities. I can't even begin to describe how much hope that gave me. 

It can be dificult not to "wish our lives away" or to waste away in front of the mirror of Erised, but I think looking forward to not suffering can help put things in perspective. This life is but a short moment. Any mother will tell you that as she watches her children grow up in the blink of an eye. In the midst of a mental battle with being happy with oneself and giving in to the weight that threatens to pull us down to the depths, it is hopeful to look forward to a time when the battle is not so great... when it is not so hard... when our mortal bodies are not the enemy anymore.

Elder Holland's talk was the one I prayed for before Conference. I wasn't expecting to be so entirely understood, encouraged and uplifted. I hoped for a nugget to cling to and was given an entire mountain of strength. I'm experienced enough to know that I will forget this feeling some days. The battle with depression is not so quickly won. But I now have yet another tool in my belt to help me fight. And with Elder Holland on my side, I have a really, really good chance!!

Dream Car

What my dream car should be:

What my dream car is:

Maybe I'll ask Santa for one of each!

On Pain

Okay, two rules:

I purge some of these negative feelings and I move on. 

I let them wash over me and then I ask them to leave.

 I saw this on facebook yesterday and grabbed a copy from thethingswesay.com. The second I saw it, it took me right back there! I even gasped and put my hand over my heart, the feeling was so intense.

I rememember doing this when I was a teenager. I remember doing this when they boy I thought I loved broke my heart in college. I still do this. In fact, on really bad days I avoid making eye contact with myself because I'm afraid of what I'll see there. It is so much more painful when you can see the pain AND you know what it feels like on the inside.

I wanted to put this up here because I think everyone has probably felt this way. Everyone has had an unspoken conversation with themselves in the mirror, hoping it would somehow make things better. Have you ever caught sight of yourself trying to hold together when you're falling apart inside?

I want to talk about the times when you see light in those eyes, but today I want to point out that we are the only ones who know the storms that happen on the inside. Sometimes strength is not letting it show. Sometimes strength is admitting that you need help and then driving yourself over there. Sometimes strength comes from reading something uplifting that you've read a hundred times, but it finally means something different to you today. Sometimes strength comes when you share your perspective with someone else and it helps them. And sometimes strength is not letting it show until that becomes the truth. Smiling until you feel like smiling. Praying until you feel like praying. 

I want my kids to know someday that I've been through some very down times in my life. Dark times created from circumstances and my stamina, or lack therof, in handling them. But the great thing about times like that is that they don't last forever. They're not strong enough to beat me all the time. The times that I feel like the darkness is stronger than me are getting fewer and fewer. I choose to fight. I choose to go out and arm myself with tools that strengthen me. I choose to take my burden out and talk about it and look at it from lots of different angles until it's not such a burden anymore... until I understand it better. I choose to sit pieces of it down or let others help me carry it or to throw some pieces of it up into the air and explode them with an imaginary missile! 

I don't want to post this, but I really also do. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in these feelings, but I'm a little afraid of being judged or falling off of someone's "pedestal." Please don't put me up there, it's an awfully far way to fall! I'll just have to write lots of happier posts until this one gets pushed down from the top of the blog. It's all true, though, and I wanted to have a record of it.

I think they call this hope

Things I am proud of that you may or may not know about me:

I love country music! I love listening to people sing about how much they love their country and their family. And I'm not saying country is immune to less savory subjects, but man! there are some really great country songs! Gimme some Collin Raye, John Michael Montgomery, Nitty Gritty, Brad Paisley, Rascal Flatts and Reba any day! I am proud of my choice in music.

I can bake bread! When we were first married, I would follow recipe after recipe and never have bread turn out. We even bought a bread maker machine and it still didn't always turn out. While I was researching the bread maker's website, people were talking about adjusting the recipe and how the bread should FEEL at different stages. You mean you can open it up during the cycle and check and adjust?! Ever since then, I have taught myself how it's supposed to go and I can do it! Homemade pizza dough, rolls, batter bread and dough bread. I am proud of how I bake bread.

I don't have to have a pattern to sew. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE patterns (and recipes) and there's a reason someone got paid money to tweak those things and make them work right. But I get a little natural high when I can change something in a pattern and still make it work. Mending and using tutorials from the internet are fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants type sewing and I like the challenge of that. I am proud of my mad sewing skills.

I love my cowgirl boots. I don't know if this is because of the copious amounts of country music I listen to or what, but I seriously want to wear my boots all the time. A huge contributing factor is that cowgirl jeans are the longest jeans I've ever worn and I can't get enough of those pools of denim at my ankles!  I am proud to wear my pink and brown boots with my extra long jeans and it's one outfit I feel truly awesome in.

I am articulate. I can express myself fairly well with words. I often pause (especially when in front of a crowd - eyeroll) because I want to use the exact word that I mean. I LOVE thesauruses! I love to click through and find the word I really mean, not the one that is close. I am proud of the way I speak and write.

Every so often, I feel the urge to do a post like this. (Like here and here, for example) I'm never really quite sure why. It's obviously for myself. I want to remember what I'm good at, so on days when it feels like the answer to that question is "nothing," I have something to prove my more downtrodden self wrong.

Because if I can replace even one negative thought with a positive one, I think they call that hope.