On Talents

In the parable of the talents, The Lord of the vineyard gives each of his workers a certain amount of money. When he comes back, they are held accountable for what they did with his money. One doubles his money, one gives him an increase and one buries it and gives it back to him just as he recieved it. 

When I was younger, I had a hard time discovering my talents. I tried lots of things, but didn't feel like I was great at any of them. One of my leaders who I had as a Merrie Miss and later as a Young Women President, Tammy Borrego, pointed out to me once a rather unseen talent that I had with children. I remember discounting this as a talent because I was so boring, her baby always fell asleep on my lap when she got passed down the row of us in the back of the Primary. She stopped me and pointed out that I was the one she fell asleep on each week because I knew just how to hold her and comfort her so that she could rest when she was so desperately sleepy. That made such a big difference in my life! I had always loved to be around children, but now I saw what I did as something only I could do. Something to be proud of. Something I was actually good at.

I love music and I have played the piano and the clarinet. Neither exceptionally well and neither anymore, but I did learn to play them once upon a time. I taught myself how to sing alto. Not well enough to sing a solo or even a duet, but I do alright in a group setting like Church. I can cook well enough to feed my family without too many stomach aches. I have a knack for reading people and being able to tell when what they're saying is only part of the story. I have been able to lift people when they are down and been the other half of some really, really neat conversations because I am open, receptive and have become a good listener. 

I am known as a seamstress. I sell a little here and there and I'm good at mending and sometimes even a little light tailoring. I have a passion for writing. I love to tell stories and to figure out how to make them funny and exciting and to hone them until they're smooth reading.

Of course, I'm not naming these things in order to brag. Rather, I sometimes need to point out to myself where my talents lie. I need a reminder of the gifts The Lord has given me that I should be sharing. I don't want Him to come back to His vineyard and I bring him the same talent he gave me that I buried and I say, "Here it is, I did nothing with it." I want to use and share my talents over and over again. And the funny thing about that is that instead of being used up, they multiply when you do that. You gain more talents by sharing the ones you have. 

Today, I started my fast with a question. Which talent should I focus on? Sewing or writing? From a financial point of view, sewing is a more ready avenue for earning money. It is a way I can contribute money to our household. But, as of late, writing has been begging me to spend time doing it more and more. I daydream about my stories. I get really fired up when I'm talking about them or working on them. But (and this feels like a really big 'but' some days!) I'm a ways off from making money at it even if I ever do. I struggle justifying time spent on these two things because I tend to need to put a value on it. And often it feels like I need to put a monetary value on it.

So, during Church I was keeping an ear out for someone to say something in a testimony or a lesson that would help me make decisions about how to "spend" my talents. I had no doubt it would come. Sure enough, during the last hymn of Sacrament meeting inspiration struck so hard it brought tears to my eyes. We were singing the last hymn and I was really excited to subsitute for my friend teaching the 16 and 17 year old youth. I love to teach and share my testimony with small groups of people. I really, really love feeling their testimonies back! As I thought about how excited I was, I thought about how loving to write helps me to teach and how I can share my testimony when I write, too. And then that feeling came when it feels like The Lord reaches down and puts His hand on your shoulder with a smile and that look in His eyes that says, "Yes! That!"

I know my Heavenly Father loves Me. I know He cares about how I spend my time and I know He loves to use me to help uplift and inspire others. I also know I am not perfect. I am not now the best writer I can be. I know only that I love to try to become so. It's discouraging and I don't have any tangible rewards from it yet, but that doesn't mean it's not valuable as a talent.

Of course, I will still sew for you if you ask. ;) I hope to sew some more wheelchair coats this winter. I love to use the talents I have been blessed with as much as I love to be blessed by the talents of those around me. Take it from me, don't bury your talents! Use them! Love them! Embrace the special abilities Heavenly Father sent you with to this earth! Life is so much more fun and fulfilling when you do.

Last night I submitted a book to Covenant

Geoff was actually the one that clicked "send" after checking off all of the figurative check boxes for submitting a book to Covenant Publishing. I have had so many ups and downs with this project. That's an understatement. Before I tell you about the publishing thing, I need to tell you about the finishing thing.

One evening not very long ago, I was planning to sit down and write after tucking my kids into bed. I had this fun story about a fairy born without wings that I was totally enamored with and I loved working on it. Instead, I found myself pacing around the living room upstairs (the computer is downstairs) wondering what was wrong with me. My head is always exploding with ideas, descriptions of things, fun phrases and ways to say things that are unique to me. That wasn't the problem. After pacing and even hitting my knees and praying, it finally dawns on me that I'm terrified of finishing my own book. I can't come up with a good ending and I can't ever seem to feel like it's good enough because then it will be over. I'll have to stop writing about Avia and her friends solving this particular conundrum. I'll have to send it off to some faceless person behind a desk somewhere with a little plaque that says "Publisher" on it.

So, my rational self steps up to my terrified irrational self and says simply, "What's the worst that could happen?"

"The publisher won't like it!" says Irrational.

"So what?" Rational shrugs.

"I'm not successful if I don't get it published." Irrational says, leaning forward into Rational's face.

"Who says?" Rational puts her hands in her pockets.

Irrational thinks for a minute before responding, "Everyone! Everyone says that! I'm not a real author if I don't... you know, publish something."

"Do you enjoy working on it?" Rational's steady gaze is in high contrast to Irrational's frantic pacing and arm waving.

"Heck yes I do!" Irrational yells.

"Well, then instead of finishing it for that faceless publisher, why don't you finish it for yourself? Why don't you promise me, your more rational self, that you'll finish this one instead of playing with it forever? Why don't you figure out an ending and finish it just for me? What would be the worst thing about that?" Rational folds her arms and waits patiently, gazing steadily at Irrational.

Irrational sits back and strokes her chin thoughtfully. "Well, I can't think about anything bad about that. I mean, that would be great! I certainly don't care about what anyone else thinks when I first write something. I write what I love and what I would do in that situation and what I would like to say on the subject." Suddenly she looks up, her eyes shining. "I could do that. I could write it for me. If some publisher likes it, great, but I'll already know I love it."

And that is about the point that I walked myself downstairs and got serious about a good ending to my book. Some of those comments were, of course, said by real people. SO many people have encouraged me and rooted for me and "liked" my silly status updates on Facebook. It has been an incredibly amazing journey and I'm only a few short steps in!

So, when I hit "send" last night and sent off my very first manuscript to a publisher, I expected to feel giddy and elated and manically happy. Instead, I felt so much peace. I had promised myself I would do this and I came through. I didn't back burner myself this time. I didn't ignore or put myself off. I actually finished something, such as it is, and put it out in the world to see what happens.

I can't say that I won't be disappointed if I don't get published. But I won't be devastated. I still did something big and hard and I can keep trying. High five, Self! You did it!

(This is an early version of my main character, Avia, that Emily drew for me. I wrote this as much for my daughters as I did for myself. This was back when we were talking about how she would get herself around the forest without flying. :) )

On Inspiration

By way of disclaimer, may I say that, you really had to be there!

Tonight my friend Tanya and her friend (whose name escapes me) put on a fireside in our Ward. The Bishop has been talking them up for a long time and I have been really, really excited to go. (Imagine my chagrin when I couldn't remember if it started at 6 or 6:30 and missed 15 minutes of it by the time I got there.) It was kind of like a two-woman, very hip version of Music and the Spoken Word. They played and sang original songs intermingled with inspiring essays on Talents and Divine Nature and Creativity. The Spirit was so strong. Tanya and I have this very symbiotic relationship when it comes to creativity. We both sense and recognize it in each other and we both love to encourage the other. Neither of us are big and flashy, which makes her encouragement that much more sincere to me. I know she means what she says and I hope she knows the same about me.

One of the first things that drove me closer to taking bigger strides with my writing was accepting Tanya's invitation to go to a speakers night with the Writing Class here in town. Three (or was it four?) authors told their stories of how they got to be published. It was one of those fire-lighting moments that made me think this could actually work. That I could actually become a published author.

One of my favorite songs from tonight was called Thursday Morning. Before she sang, they talked about how they would meet on Thursday mornings to work on their creative projects; writing songs. They would let their kids have run of the house and just go for it in the music room. Her song talked about how setting aside that time to just create was worth the mess that they had to clean up afterwards. I am always talking myself out of writing because the laundry or dishes or blah blah blah needs doing first. What if I set aside time where I didn't feel guilt for letting those things go for a few hours a week and just wrote instead? What if my boys watched an extra episode of Dinosaur Train once in a while so that I can lose myself in the world I've created? Would it be so bad if my girls came home from school and caught me typing away? I would love it my kids grew up knowing that they can, and should, take time to develop their talents and create something that nobody else can do.

I spent a lot of time this past week being sick. I'm not sure if I got hit by 2 sicknesses or if it was all the same bundle, but I struggled gastrointestinally and had a cough besides. It was pretty miserable. I read a lot. I read Divergent, Cleopatra's Moon, Incarceron and Matched. I won't give you full reviews in this post, the point is that reading other people's writing does two things to me... makes me want to write my own and makes me want to change what they wrote. That doesn't sound fair. It's not that I want to change their creative baby, I just mean that I love getting to know their characters and I imagine them doing things differently, just for fun. At the back of Divergent she has excellent "Special Features" and she has a cool essay where she talks about Utopian worlds versus Dystopian worlds. People like to read and write dystopian novels because they are obviously far more interesting, but also because we want to imagine what it would be like to play out certain situations. I love where my imagination takes me when I read and I love the super charged, exhilarating feeling of writing down what only I can imagine even better.

So, at the risk of this being yet another post of mine that comes across as me whining about how I want to write and never do, I just wanted to share what inspired me tonight. It inspired me that two young moms just like me carved out time to follow their creative dreams. Their end products, the songs and spoken sentiments inspired me in their beauty and the fact that they were done! They finished something! They wrote songs that they could then play and sing. They said words into a microphone that they had no doubt edited and honed to be exactly the words that they wanted to say. How much greater would it be for me to be able to pull a book off the shelf and show my daughters what can be done rather than have them stumble onto a bunch of old blog posts about how I wish I had done more. Unless I take pictures of clean sinks and stacks of folded laundry, they won't remember those things, I'm pretty sure.

Go out and create something! That's where I'm headed off to! May we both be successful and enjoy the ride at the same time! 

I know this isn't the best written post in the world, but I wanted to capture some of the feelings and inspirations I caught today. To read my reviews of the books I read, please visit here.

On Writing

I woke up this morning musing about my past writing teachers. It probably has everything to do with my reading On Writing by Stephen King until my eyes drooped last night. Geoff's pal from work recommended it since he knows I like to write and already I'm in love with it and I've only read about 30 pages. Thanks, Randy! I remember my Dad reading Stephen King all the time and making me wait until I was older and then only letting me read his compilation of short stories. That book had a picture of a hand wrapped like a mummy with eyeballs all over the hand peeking out from underneath the wrappings. I remember my Dad telling me that if a story got too scary, to stop reading it and try another. As I type this, I've just realized I could read everything he's written if I wanted to. Do I want to? Some might say Stephen King is creepy, if he is, he's Brilliantly so! Anyway, this book about writing is awesome, but that isn't what I wanted to blog about.

Mrs. Thompson was my eighth grade English teacher. She must have loved to write because she assigned us to do it all the time. In my mind, there are two types of English teachers... those who make you read and those who make you write. I think both are fantastic and I could do either one for hours! I remember reading Great Expectations with Mrs. Thompson, or at least doing things related to that book. I honestly can't remember if we actually read it or if we read excerpts and she elaborated on them. I remember doing a project where I made a wedding cake with spiderwebs and bugs all over it because of the Benefactor's wedding cake that she still had in her house. (I need to read that book again, the details are getting hazy) I also remember Will (and probably Russ), sitting under the skylight reflecting light from his watch onto Mrs. Thompson's blouse. He got too close to her eyes, she saw it and he had to move seats.

I still have examples of my writing from that era. I didn't date everything I kept, unfortunately, so I'm not entirely sure what is from that period... although I can take a pretty good guess by the printer things were printed on. Daisy wheel mostly, at that time. I remember having a story that I'd started as a kid, probably when I was around 10 years old or so, that I pulled out and worked on again in Mrs. Thompson's class. It was about a girl who lived in a small town and her best friend had been kidnapped into a cave in the mountains. She goes in to save her and meets Medusa... snakes for hair and turning people into stone and all. I remember Mrs. Thompson thinking it was cool that I already liked to write adn being very encouraging.

The very next year when I was a Freshman in high school, I had Mrs. Peterson for English. She is one of those people who you can tell right away you're going to remember forever. She was very short (to me) and had short dark hair. She loved Gone With the Wind and had a big poster of it in her classroom. As I recall, she had also written a sequel screenplay. She also had a guillotine in her classroom, replica I'm sure. She gave us actual Turkish Delight when we talked about the Chronicles of Narnia and I also remember that she loved the Great Gatsby. Truthfully, I don't remember much about the actual English class other than what I've just told you, but she let me into her Creative Writing class.

My very first Creative Writing class. Where the bug bit and bit hard! Three students in that class still stand out to me. They were all older than me. She had given special permission for me to join the class. Two tall exceptionally gorgeous girls named Thressa (the infamous Will-the-reflector's sister) and Heather and a kid with blond curly hair who wanted to be a mortician who was also the class clown. Mrs. Peterson loved to give him the stink eye, but you could tell that she had a soft spot for him. Thressa and Heather were so motivating to me! I wanted to be just like them. I remember learning the word 'cacophony' which means a lot of loud, confusing noise. I remember passing around scents (as in little baggies with things in them that smelled), and we kept our eyes closed and wrote down what we thought we smelled. I thought coffee was bouillon!

When I knew I was moving, I hadn't seen Mrs. Peterson for a few months as a consequence of having a different English teacher the next year. I remember recognizing her from the end of a long hallway by her silhouette. I still remember standing there wondering if I should go and tell her goodbye and thank her for how much she had inspired me. I have always wished I walked down that hallway.

I've had many other English teachers. The two I had in my Utah high school were readers. And I worked on the Literary Magazine for 2 years and got lots of writing in with Mr. Frank. It's funny who stands out and who doesn't. I really wish I could tell Mrs. Thompson and Mrs. Peterson how much they have affected my life. I'm pretty sure they would enjoy knowing that. I'm sure they've heard it a thousand times from different people who are not me. I wish I could add my voice. At the risk of sounding like a missing person advertisement, if you know where either of them are, I would love a head's up.

I have a feeling that this Stephen King book is going to be a journey. As exploring a talent or a passion always is.

Big Step

You may have noticed the brand new shiny link in the top right corner. Following the protocol of clicks to get it there was an emotional journey, I can tell you. I finally decided that a person who dreams of writing a book someday really ought to share her writing. And so, I present to you my writing blog, Cleverly Bleary.

Now, it represents only a teensy tiny amount of what I have actually written, but I am proud of these stories and I had fun writing them and I'm excited to see what others think.

I love to just let my imagination gush.

I love coming up with ways to describe in words what I see in my mind.

It's cathartic... creative... cleansing... and terrifying. I'm just as afraid that no one will like it as I am that someone will. If you've ever done anything creative and tried to share it with the world, you know exactly what I mean!

These short stories are assignments I gave myself to satisfy the itch to write in an immediate, succinct way. They don't have a ton of editing done on them. I just had an idea and ran with it. I love the idea of a modern fairy tale, but not the ones that have been done a hundred times.

I hope you will bookmark it and read them all sometime, even if it's not today. And just like you would like me to do if you showed me your quilt or your photo or your baby... something you have poured your heart and soul into and are proud of, please leave me an honest comment after the post. I need to know what to work on... and what to let go. What my strengths are, if I have any.

(Whew! I just shared the blog on Facebook. My heart is racing! Here goes nothin'!)

The Psychology of Writing

So, the writer trapped inside of me has been screaming and pounding on the other side of her door trying to get out. I usually tell her to get in line behind the dishes that need doing, the laundry that needs folding, the house that needs cleaning and if that doesn't work, the kids usually chase her right back in there and slam the door tight. This is a euphemistic way of saying that what I 'need' to do feels like it suppresses what I 'want' to do. I'm sure I am the ONLY person that feels this way in the whole wide world! ;) I mean, talk about my id, ego and super ego duking it out, right? I tell ya what!

In addition to continuing to work on my favorite 3 novel-length stories, I decided to challenge myself and do short bits of writing, too. For those days or moments when letting that creative writer out of her room to do a burst of writing would do me worlds of good. I actually created a blog for this very purpose. I laughed when I discovered that the first post was in 2006 and the next in 2008! It's not that that's all I have written in that amount of time, but that is all that I have written that is short enough to make sense sharing in a blog format. At the moment, I have decided to keep the blog private as my first baby step to maybe someday being published. As much as it is somewhat embarrassing and overwhelming to think of other people who are not me reading what I have written, I think it would be good for me to hear what other people think. Good or bad. Like it or not!

If you would like to be a part of my first readers outside of family, please find a way to get me your email address and I will send you a top secret invite. You can leave it in a comment or send me a message on Facebook.

Where'd you get that cool pic?

One of the catalysts for me being brave and diving in has been a very interesting BLOG that combines Psychology and writing. He uses his background in Psychology and Counseling to diagnose his characters and really get to know them. I do this in my own way, being fascinated by Psychology as I have been since my first class in college. His textbook approach has been very thought provoking for me as I try to understand these characters I create. It has led me to make sure the way my characters act and the decisions they make are congruent with the type of person they are... that they have an aligned psyche, so to speak. That they make sense.

Aligned psyche... what a cool phrase! :D

So, if you're interested in reading what I actually write instead of just hearing about how I want to write, but don't... gimme a jingle! And make this the day you dive in and try that thing you've always been wanting to devote more time to!

I'm still here!

As you may or may not have noticed, I tend to have blog constipation. I wait and only write about the big stuff that happens. :D I guess you could say I have IBS... Irritable Blog Syndrome. But I so love reading other people's blogs about all the little day to day stuff, too. So, here is my offering of Ex-Lax (and my last unattractive metaphor!) and this post isn't about anything! :D

I have felt like I'm floating lately. I'm on a river, so I'm still going in some direction or another, but I don't feel like I am taking an active roll in propelling myself down the river. Pregnancy has really slowed me down, and not that it shouldn't, but my life seems to have only two speeds... really fast and really slow. The last weeks of school were insane! I ran around to 2 different schools to dance festivals and plays and delivering teacher gifts and all the while shuttling the littlest 2 in a 2-40 air conditioned van... 2-55 if I was really in a hurry! ;) And now that everybody's home I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to do anything, I just want to sit with my feet in the kiddie pool and eat popsicles. :D

I have found, to my great surprise, that my kids can work with proper motivation and I'm not SO behind on housework as I was in previous weeks. They can be really quite charming if they are rewarded sufficiently and hopefully punished less. :D I am of course saying this after the "Bedroom Coup of the Beginning of the Week." Their room was a Disaster area with a very capital D! Clothes everywhere mingling dirty with clean, purses, necklaces, dollies, hair elastics... you name it and it was on the floor in there. And it happened much in the way a tornado does. It had been clean for what I'll call several weeks, but was really closer to a week and a half when all of a sudden the laundry bags exploded everywhere! It might have something to do with them breaking the PVC framework for the laundry sorter and the bags then slouching to the floor. After asking nicely and giving them helpful hints (why don't you pick up everything yellow first?) it wasn't getting any better, so I invaded! I kicked them outside to play and cleaned the room myself, stashing favorite books and toys and even a couple of clothing items in bags with their names on them. Since then they have had to earn back the things the invading army took by doing jobs for the general. :D Geoff and I decided that they'll do it until they get their most favorite stuff back and then they'll lose interest and then to D.I. will go the spoils of war. :D Some day it might even be their own idea to keep it clean! For now, they don't get read to at night unless everything is picked up and hopefully they'll get into a better routine.

I hate seizures! I don't even want to go into it, but I hate them so bad I can taste it in my mouth! :P Blech!!

I wish I had time to write! I've always said that if I made it a priority I could go all the way and love every minute of it. BUT I also know that if I did make it a priority, it would selfishly climb to the very top of the list and push out things like clean dishes and clean clothes and reading to my kids and walking to the park and cooking nutritious meals. And so, it sits comfortably under those things for now waiting for me to give it the time and focus it needs to really become something. Someday before I die, I hope for you to have a copy of a book on your bookshelf that I wrote and that you actually enjoyed reading. :)

So, here's to enjoying a paddleless canoe ride down a lazy river once in a while. Here's to letting things slide a little sometimes as long as I eventually get back in gear and get things done. Here's to kiddie pools and popsicles. And here's to motherhood not being perfect, but being memorable and fun and well worth the journey!

Haphazard Notions

We turned the sprinklers up to 45 minutes instead of 30 to give our plants a fighting chance in the hot, hot sun. We only water twice a week to save on water and help our plants be tough!

Gracie's hair cut fits her already even though we cut off like 8 inches. She started the process and the hair stylist helped us out in the end, but it is really, really cute and I didn't think I'd like it. She reminds me of my Mom. :) I don't know how we knew looking at a purple, wrinkled newborn, but she is so aptly named! It's like we were psychic. :D

I have had a REALLY hard time with Landon turning one. It's like he's not going to be a baby anymore soon and I'm struggling with that.

It is so hard to watch people you love go through tough times and not be able to do anything about it.

Harry Potter rules!

I love to write, but I don't feel like I have the time to devote to it what it needs to become great. I really think it's in me, but I don't feel like I can do it justice right now. Which really bites!!

Hubby rides his bike to work every day and I am SO proud of him!! I wish I did anything that ambitious!

I'm a wimp about going anywhere with all of my kids by myself. I should just do it, but I usually talk myself out of it. I can do it, don't underestimate me, I just don't. Maybe I should.

I did my Visiting Teaching last month! Yay me!

Seriously, have you re-read Harry Potter lately? It rocks!

I'm behind on so many things! Is it due to the previous random gem? Maybe. But really, I just like to make things last longer, it's more fun that way. 8) (That one means my eyes are rolling, somebody was so clever!)

My kids watch too much TV. I try to make them play outside and they come in exhausted and pink because it's so hot. Maybe I'll make them run laps around downstairs. :D Heehee, that made me laugh!

If I spent half as much time doing the things I think about doing, I'd get so much done!