Miracles Disguised as Trials

There's a beautiful story in Mark 2: 3 - 12. It is about one of Jesus' many miracles that He performed while on the earth. In my own words, it is about a man who was sick with a palsy who was brought to Jesus in a crowded place by lowering him on his bed through a hole in the roof. The first thing Jesus did was to forgive him of his sins. Then the people standing around watching began to criticize Jesus saying that He did not have the authority to forgive sins. Jesus asks them if it is easier to forgive his sins or to heal his physical ailments. And then Jesus also heals him of his palsy and he gathers up his bed and leaves.

Putting myself in this man's place, I think he must have been begging to see Jesus. He, and his loved ones, must have desired this so much that they were willing to climb to the roof, remove the tiles and with ropes four of them lowered him into the building where Jesus was. If he was a true believer, and he must have been to have ultimately been healed, he would not have had an agenda to the visit. He would have HOPED for healing, but he would not have expected it. He would have left it to the Lord to decide what He would do with him. I imagine that when the Lord pronounced his sins forgiven, he must have felt the most warm, peaceful, forgiving feeling. His soul at that moment became as white as snow though his sins were as scarlet. The burden of all of his past wrongdoings were taken from him and he didn't have to bear them any more. Whatever he expected while being lowered in to see the Savior, the feeling of having his sins lifted from him must have been an incredible feeling! So liberating! So full of relief! And then to have his physical suffering suddenly relieved also must have been the icing on the cake, so to speak. I wish I could have seen him walk and dance out of the building. I wish I could have known what he did with his life after "his miracle."

So many times we are so focused on the minute details of a day to day trial that we don't view it as a miracle until it's over. The other people that witnessed this man's miracle were only focused on the outward appearance of a miracle... only what they could see. How could they possibly have understood this man's complete transformation, inside and out? How often do we forget where we were and how far we have come? How quickly we forget the baby steps we took to get to our own miracles. Do we pay attention to the small miracles that the Lord sends us every day?

When Becca was born, all we knew at first was that her head was very small. A day or two into life, she needed extra help to keep her oxygen levels up where they needed to be. Within the first week, we discovered that her brain and other assorted organs had been attacked by a virus while she was still growing within me. After a few more days and a bout with RSV, we were sent home with a baby with unknown potential (like every other baby) and also a damaged brain, oxygen tubes, monitors and behaviors that soon led to other diagnoses like Cerebral Palsy, Vision impairment, Hearing impairment, Nonverbal, Seizures, etc., etc., etc. (very unlike most other babies)

Looking back, I can remember a lot of hard days and nights... a lot of really hard news to hear... a LOT of prayers and fasting and pleading with my Heavenly Father to let me keep my child. The pervading sentiment I felt to my very core was that if she was supposed to stay, she would get to stay, but that I wasn't in charge, Heavenly Father was.

We got to keep her. She's still here. And she suffers ...sometimes a lot. She has limitations so numerous and varied that she is in a physical category with 4 - 6 month old babies. Mentally, who knows? I think she understands far more than she's able to communicate, but I can't prove it. :) Nowadays, she is comfortable and healthy and very, very happy MOST of the time. When she is not any of these things, it's a guessing game to discover the problem and fix it for her. I rely heavily on my Heavenly Father and the whisperings of comfort and inspiration that come... if I'm ready... if I can hear them... if I'm listening.

I would be an extremely ungrateful daughter of God if I forgot where I came from. If I whined about the things I go through now when I prayed so hard to keep her in the first place. If I forgot the miracles that got me here.

Do I forget? Yes, sometimes. Do I cry in the middle of changing a diaper because the weight of how many diapers I have changed in my life and the diapers that I have yet to change in my life seems never ending? Yes! Do I fret and worry about the looming dark lord of cerebral health, namely seizures? You bet I do! Do I ever have pity parties full of statements that all add up to "Poor me," not even "Poor Becca?" Yep!

Eventually, a loving Heavenly Father always reminds me about my own miracles. He lovingly gives me moments with my Becca that make ALL the other gobbledygook worthwhile. He doesn't take the hard stuff away from me and He doesn't stop my growth by stepping in and doing it for me, He just subtly strengthens me and hugs me when I'm down and sends me angels (both Heavenly and Earthly) to help me along my way.

What a wonderful, desirable blessing that man received by being able to walk out of that building. And what an even greater, more pervasive, loving, comforting feeling he must have had to know that he was clean and pure as well.

When it is Becca's turn, she will RUN into the waiting arms of loving family and friends that have gone before her. I have a LOT more work to do to be able to be with her. And by golly, I hope I have enough marks on the good side of the chalk board and that I've done a good enough job repenting for the marks on the bad side to be able to be with her for eternity.

"Looks Like Someone's Got a Case of the S'posed'as!"

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should,
Just because you should, doesn't mean you will,
Just because you will, doesn't mean you did,
Just because you did, doesn't mean you should have....

I can talk myself out of just about anything. For instance, I've talked myself out of sleep in order to finish typing this. :) I regularly talk myself out of blogging for all kinds of distracting reasons. They're very good reasons, but there are things that, since they can't argue their side of things, end up spending a lot of time on the 'back burner.' I'm sure you're wondering what some of those things could be...

Cleaning my own room. I regularly force my children to clean their rooms, meanwhile moving stacks around in my own room in order to sleep. Granted, I don't have clothes covering every inch of carpet like they do, but I could be WAY better at making my resting room a lot more restful.

Being creative. I have a creative soul which I regularly suppress with mundane household chores. "I'll sew once I catch up on the dishes," I think to myself, fully realizing that dishes are a job that is never all the way done. "I'll write on my blog once I've sewn that dress for myself I've been meaning to." I think it is safe to say that I will eventually sew my 50s inspired dress, but if I wait until then to blog at all, my writing abilities will leak out of my ear as a dark, sticky ooze.

Reading and doing extra spiritual things during the week. I shouldn't even admit to this one, but this is easily one of the things I feel the guiltiest about as I shift it to the ubiquitous back burner. I don't mean to... I really want to read my scriptures and work on my Personal Progress goals and read extra Conference talks and I do, but not nearly so often as I should!

Taking time for myself. It's no accident that all of the things I just listed fall under this category. I am the #1 thing I neglect in my own life.

I've just come through a dark couple of weeks. You may not have noticed even if you're close to me because I hide it pretty well. The strings on my little bag of marbles have slowly been loosening and I'm pretty sure I lost a couple of them. Luckily, I have an incredible support network that helped me find them and said just the right things to help me not to feel alone and to know that I can make it. The most important revelation I had, though, was during a very tearful prayer one night. As I poured out my heart and soaked the corner of my bed, it all felt very random and hopeless and chaotic until... until I had the thought that I needed to take more time for myself. The tears slowly calmed and peace sent from a loving Heavenly Father confirmed that I needed to do more for me and not just everyone else. I was sent here to have my own experiences, not just to facilitate others'. I need to have my own joy while making joy for others. I need to remember why my husband thought I would make a good wife and pay attention to the ways that he still tells me that every day. I need to put on my own oxygen mask before I can strap one to my kids.

I am incredibly grateful for a husband who really does value who I am and what I do for my family. For my Mom who is always there with a shoulder and a cheerful "You can do it!" For two unbelievably awesome sisters who each have a unique way of encouraging and commiserating and following promptings to call me. For my brother who only has to look at me with that "Oh, really?" look in his eye that tells me I'm not fooling anyone. For friends who totally GET the disability thing and not only don't judge me for the disparaging thoughts I have sometimes, but have had them, too and it's okay. For a new day every day in which I can try new things, attempt to accomplish my goals, hug lots of people (especially little ones) and eat lots of chocolate!

Here's to trying again tomorrow to talk myself INTO doing something that is just for me!

Charity

I am in awe of the word "Charity." Sometimes when I think about it too much, I enter the dark realm of "I'll never do enough" and I have to drag myself back up from the depths and try to be satisfied with what I can do. I don't think that is how Charity is supposed to feel. It is synonymous with our Savior and I KNOW He doesn't want me to feel that way when I think about Him. I know that He didn't do the wonderful, selfless things He did for us while He was here on the earth in order to make me feel guilty.

In one of the many lessons and talks I have heard on this subject, someone (I wish I could remember who!) presented Charity as a way of life. ...As a character trait that we can cultivate to become second nature. ...As everyday things that we do for others that make us who we are.

I love to do things for others. I love thinking about whomever I happen to be sewing for at the moment and how they'll (hopefully) enjoy what I'm making for them. I love picturing the things I sew being tattered and worn, having literally been loved to death. I love thinking about someone resting comfortably with a full tummy of food I made for them. I love smiles and hugs and even tears when I'm able to pull off something nice that someone wasn't expecting. Those are all things I love about living Charity rather than giving it grudgingly.

In no way do I profess to be perfect (or even consistent) in my Charity. All I'm saying is that when I am able to accomplish the things my heart feels for people, it makes me happy. I love sharing in the glow that both the giver and receiver get to have when kindness is shared. I like that feeling enough to keep on trying!



1 Timothy 1:5
Now the end of the commandment is charity out of a pure heart, and of a good conscience, and of faith unfeigned:

Mosiah 18: 27 - 29
27 And again Alma commanded that the people of the church should impart of their substance, every one according to that which he had; if he have more abundantly he should impart more abundantly; and of him that had but little, but little should be required; and to him that had not should be given.
28 And thus they should impart of their substance of their own free will and good desires towards God, and to those priests that stood in need, yea, and to every needy, naked soul.
29 And this he said unto them, having been commanded of God; and they did walk uprightly before God, imparting to one another both temporally and spiritually according to their needs and their wants.

Sister Love

Emily's asleep, so I can't really ask her permission, but since her co-author is sitting here next to me and he gave his okay, I'm going to share this. Emily, who is 8, gave a talk in Primary at Church today. The theme for her talk was Jesus Christ is the Son of God and He is a God of Miracles. She held this picture back to back with her talk as she read so that it was visible as she talked. I should also mention that Becca LOVED hearing her sister's voice over the microphone and smiled and kicked throughout. :)




Jesus Christ is the Son of God and He is a God of miracles. In our family we have been blessed with many miracles. One is named Rebecca. When she was born she had many problems and doctors weren't sure if she would even live. We are lucky to have her in our family. She is 10 years old now. She still has many disabilities, but has two important abilities. She has the ability to love those around her, and the ability to show that love in her own way. heavenly Father blesses our family with miracles to know what she wants, the miracle of a strong father and mother who can take care of her, brothers and sisters who love and help her, and the miracle of the little things she can do to show she loves us.

We all have many miracles happen to us every day, but most of the time, we don't pay attention. We have the miracle of the Bible, the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants and the Pearl of Great Price. We have the miracle of being able to talk to Heavenly Father whenever we want, through prayer. We have the miracle of being members of the true church of Jesus Christ. We have the miracle of a living prophet who guides us and tells us what Heavenly Father wants us to do.

Because of these miracles, we can return to live with Heavenly Father and Jesus after we die. I am grateful for the many miracles we have and say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.