You know there's a storm coming here at our house in Tooele when the wind kicks up... kicks up cardboard, trampolines, small children...
There's an icy patch at the bottom of our driveway and when I went to help Becca off the bus, I nearly went ice skating involuntarily. It feels like you're one of those big metal braces that the football players use to practice against. I mean, it is really, really windy! Well, after I got Becca safely in the house, I went in search of the second garbage can. One of them was on its side by the bus, but the other one was nowhere nearby. Dutiful Geoff paid the bill last night and shredded it, so I had to call the city to get the numbers of our cans. He picked a great day to be on top of things! :D LOL Of course, ours was the furthest can held only by a curb and some dirty snow from continuing its trek out to Erda! As I started towards the "cul-de-sac," I use the term loosely because there are no houses down there, the wind was at my back. I finally started jogging since that's what the wind seemed to be trying to get me to do! Every few seconds I'd get that "Wheee!" feeling as it pushed me up and forward.
The walk back wasn't so fun. The thought of what a picture of me would look like out there makes me laugh! I was dragging the trash can with both hands behind me and I bent into the wind pushing with all my might. Just before I got to my own driveway the wind really decided to have some fun. I stopped in my tracks and closed my eyes and I distinctly felt my cheeks quiver backwards. You know those "America's Funniest Videos" you see with someone blowing an air compressor at their face? Yeah, it felt like that! Then suddenly my coat burst open and blew backwards as the wind rushing into it was too much for one zipper to hold. I was laughing as I turned and hiked up our impossibly steep driveway with the wind now trying to knock me over sideways. When I finally made it in the house, I felt lightheaded and extremely disheveled. The thought of the little icon I saw this morning in the weather section I checked before dressing my kids for the day makes me laugh now. It was a little tree with white streaks coming off of it to represent a tree blowing in the wind. If that had been a real tree and it had been in the middle of my street and I'd been in the tree wearing a big, baggy sweatshirt, I'm pretty sure I'd be in the middle of the Great Salt Lake by now!!
Friday, January 04, 2008
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Just Another Night in the Life
Salutations!
As your sitting there, awake, reading your email, I thought you might enjoy hearing about my night to put yours in perspective. ;) To preface my account, I'd like to go back to about 5:00 yesterday afternoon. Let me set the scene, I had just sewn the last seam in our halloween costumes a whole hour earlier than the party we were going to! I was literally holding up a silly little yellow tutu thing that Emily wanted to wear around her face as the center of her flower to show her when my cell phone rang. It was the Realtor with an appointment to show our house at 7:00. I said yes, of course, ignoring the clutter a foot deep in the living room, etc. etc. The party was supposed to start at 6, but we could be late, we were only bringing french bread for their spaghetti dinner, no big deal if we were half an hour late. As my heart began to race and I actually felt a little light headed, I reminded myself that I really did have 2 hours and that it really wasn't that much to put away and that Geoff had almost caught us up on dishes the night before, etc. I was rather proud of myself for not freaking out too much. :) So, rather than go into headless chicken mode, I didn't move fast, but I didn't stop moving. I talked to several lovely people on the phone while I was cleaning and I hoped they couldn't tell that I never stopped moving while we were talking. :) One call was from Angela, I'm so glad you called! It makes me feel good when you guys feel like you can talk to me because I love you more than you know!! One call was about Kindergarten car pool today because it's my turn. One call was switching the spaghetti dinner to pizza (this will be significant later- just keep reading.)
Meanwhile, Geoff is on his way home, but he wasn't even going to stop here, he was going to go straight to the party to get there on time. Instead, he re-routed and stopped here first and got here just in time to buckle the kids in the van while I did one last good luck swipe of the counter tops and we left. We went to a friendly halloween party at my sister-in-law Denise's. I spent my time on the couch with Landon talking and eating. Geoff was either there or in the kitchen talking and eating. Becca chilled on the floor in the room where the kids were playing in and out and the two middle girls ran around and around with their cousins and their cousin's friends. :) They also beat up a homemade Shrek pinata and played halloween bingo with smarties. :) We all had a really great time and even got away at a decent bedtime. It was 9-something when we finally got everyone in bed and Geoff and I discovered we were felling pretty tired, too, so rather than staying up watching nothing on TV and doing nothing together, we decided to hit the hay.
Somewhere around 3 am, Geoff woke up and tossed his cookies. How I wish that meant there were chocolate chip loving geese in our backyard and Geoff was breaking off pieces of a giant cookie for their consumption. No, the first image you got was correct. When I came to full consciousness thanks to Geoff, I heard Becca crying. I went in to find her swimming in Pediasure because her tube had not been closed properly. That is to say her tube was actually clamped on the part that goes into her belly and the med port was open, so not only was it dripping food onto her bed, but absolutely none of it was getting into her at all. Thank heavens for my hare brained idea of covering her mattress with a dollar store table cloth under her sheets! During a nice, warm bath she finally calmed down and quit screaming as I was singing whatever Primary song came into my head. :) It was actually quite pleasant bathing my daughter in the middle of the night. :) When we got done and she was dressed in warm pajamas, I heard the baby crying. So, Landon joined Becca on the floor in her room while I finished changing all of her sheets. I don't know how much food was lost, but I knew she must be hungry, so I put another whole can in the bag and got her hooked up the right way. Trust me, I checked like 3 times! :) Then Landon and I jammed to some country music videos in the living room while he ate. It's a good thing I like country, because that was all that was on at 4-something.
After I fed the baby and put him back in his bed by touch so as not to turn on any more lights, I checked on Geoff. He said he thought it was just the pizza he ate at the party being spicy, etc. and that he was still going to work. Knowing I can only take showers when they're asleep or there's an adult present, and don't you pretend you don't know who "they" are, I decided it was now or never, so I took a much needed shower. When I got out, I could hear Becca again. You probably just thought "Are you kidding me?" because that's what I was thinking. Unfortuneately, the answer is no, I'm not kidding. When I went in to check on her, she had twisted and shimmied around and it looked like she was trying to see out the window where the blacks were starting to turn into grays. I don't know why she was doing that, but she had kicked off her covers and gotten wet hair on her face. So, I smoothed her hair and wrapped her up in her blankets again and after checking the tube again, I gave her a cheek hug until I heard the pump go through 2 revolutions to make sure she was getting fed and to help her relax and make sure she wasn't going to cry again.
By the time my head hit the pillow (again) it was 5:45. Geoff got up around 7 and got Emily most of the way ready for school and I made the obligatory round of phone calls to keep sleepy Becca sleeping. The good news is, my house is really, really clean and maybe, just maybe the people that came last night will make an offer and make me the happiest Mama in the land! :) I love you all so much and part of why I love you is that you will sympathize with me without pitying me. Thanks for listening to me jabber and don't forget to appreciate your pillow!
Love,
Diana
As your sitting there, awake, reading your email, I thought you might enjoy hearing about my night to put yours in perspective. ;) To preface my account, I'd like to go back to about 5:00 yesterday afternoon. Let me set the scene, I had just sewn the last seam in our halloween costumes a whole hour earlier than the party we were going to! I was literally holding up a silly little yellow tutu thing that Emily wanted to wear around her face as the center of her flower to show her when my cell phone rang. It was the Realtor with an appointment to show our house at 7:00. I said yes, of course, ignoring the clutter a foot deep in the living room, etc. etc. The party was supposed to start at 6, but we could be late, we were only bringing french bread for their spaghetti dinner, no big deal if we were half an hour late. As my heart began to race and I actually felt a little light headed, I reminded myself that I really did have 2 hours and that it really wasn't that much to put away and that Geoff had almost caught us up on dishes the night before, etc. I was rather proud of myself for not freaking out too much. :) So, rather than go into headless chicken mode, I didn't move fast, but I didn't stop moving. I talked to several lovely people on the phone while I was cleaning and I hoped they couldn't tell that I never stopped moving while we were talking. :) One call was from Angela, I'm so glad you called! It makes me feel good when you guys feel like you can talk to me because I love you more than you know!! One call was about Kindergarten car pool today because it's my turn. One call was switching the spaghetti dinner to pizza (this will be significant later- just keep reading.)
Meanwhile, Geoff is on his way home, but he wasn't even going to stop here, he was going to go straight to the party to get there on time. Instead, he re-routed and stopped here first and got here just in time to buckle the kids in the van while I did one last good luck swipe of the counter tops and we left. We went to a friendly halloween party at my sister-in-law Denise's. I spent my time on the couch with Landon talking and eating. Geoff was either there or in the kitchen talking and eating. Becca chilled on the floor in the room where the kids were playing in and out and the two middle girls ran around and around with their cousins and their cousin's friends. :) They also beat up a homemade Shrek pinata and played halloween bingo with smarties. :) We all had a really great time and even got away at a decent bedtime. It was 9-something when we finally got everyone in bed and Geoff and I discovered we were felling pretty tired, too, so rather than staying up watching nothing on TV and doing nothing together, we decided to hit the hay.
Somewhere around 3 am, Geoff woke up and tossed his cookies. How I wish that meant there were chocolate chip loving geese in our backyard and Geoff was breaking off pieces of a giant cookie for their consumption. No, the first image you got was correct. When I came to full consciousness thanks to Geoff, I heard Becca crying. I went in to find her swimming in Pediasure because her tube had not been closed properly. That is to say her tube was actually clamped on the part that goes into her belly and the med port was open, so not only was it dripping food onto her bed, but absolutely none of it was getting into her at all. Thank heavens for my hare brained idea of covering her mattress with a dollar store table cloth under her sheets! During a nice, warm bath she finally calmed down and quit screaming as I was singing whatever Primary song came into my head. :) It was actually quite pleasant bathing my daughter in the middle of the night. :) When we got done and she was dressed in warm pajamas, I heard the baby crying. So, Landon joined Becca on the floor in her room while I finished changing all of her sheets. I don't know how much food was lost, but I knew she must be hungry, so I put another whole can in the bag and got her hooked up the right way. Trust me, I checked like 3 times! :) Then Landon and I jammed to some country music videos in the living room while he ate. It's a good thing I like country, because that was all that was on at 4-something.
After I fed the baby and put him back in his bed by touch so as not to turn on any more lights, I checked on Geoff. He said he thought it was just the pizza he ate at the party being spicy, etc. and that he was still going to work. Knowing I can only take showers when they're asleep or there's an adult present, and don't you pretend you don't know who "they" are, I decided it was now or never, so I took a much needed shower. When I got out, I could hear Becca again. You probably just thought "Are you kidding me?" because that's what I was thinking. Unfortuneately, the answer is no, I'm not kidding. When I went in to check on her, she had twisted and shimmied around and it looked like she was trying to see out the window where the blacks were starting to turn into grays. I don't know why she was doing that, but she had kicked off her covers and gotten wet hair on her face. So, I smoothed her hair and wrapped her up in her blankets again and after checking the tube again, I gave her a cheek hug until I heard the pump go through 2 revolutions to make sure she was getting fed and to help her relax and make sure she wasn't going to cry again.
By the time my head hit the pillow (again) it was 5:45. Geoff got up around 7 and got Emily most of the way ready for school and I made the obligatory round of phone calls to keep sleepy Becca sleeping. The good news is, my house is really, really clean and maybe, just maybe the people that came last night will make an offer and make me the happiest Mama in the land! :) I love you all so much and part of why I love you is that you will sympathize with me without pitying me. Thanks for listening to me jabber and don't forget to appreciate your pillow!
Love,
Diana
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
I Love My FamiLee
This is what picture day is like for us. We finally chase everyone down and get them in nice clothes that match and their hair is fixed. Then we strap them into the car and talk to them to keep them busy and their hands out of their hair. We tell them as nicely as possible that they better smile at the right time and not make a fuss. Then we get there and it's a lesson in patience to get them all facing the same direction and happy enough to smile at a camera on a tripod. I tell Gracie that not everyone is as patient as Mommy and that she really needs to obey the first time. Amazingly, more often than not, she sits back down just as the shutter clicks.The first spot picked for picture taking was nowhere near wheelchair accessible, but really nice for big groups, so we took Becca out of her safety zone (read: wheelchair) and tried to sit her
supported on a stone step. During individual family pictures, she and I went for a walk so we could "come back to center" after some tears on her part. It upsets me when she's upset and we both needed to walk in the quiet and take deep breaths. She still wasn't very calm when we got back, but it was our turn. She teared up some more and between that and wrangling so you could see everyone... well, it's a lot like herding cats. That's probably part of the reason you can see tear shine in Becca's eyes.
Then, finally, we get to see Becca smile. It's when she's holding her brand new baby brother that her Spirit shines through. It's when they are heart to heart that hers sings. To say that our lives do not revolve around our kids would be completely false. It does and theirs orbit ours, too. We cross often and remain concentric always, but it is true that just about everything I do is for them or because of them or with them... I just have to keep reminding myself how not normal we are and we never will be. We are our own kind of normal. And normal for us means trying for that perfect family picture and accepting that it might not be as great as the little moments you capture by happy accident.We got some really nice family pictures this day and it's no one's fault that Becca was sad. She does really well making sense of her world with her limited senses most of the time. Who can blame her for feeling insecure once in a while in a new place with new sights and sounds and feelings when the receptors for such information are buffered and hindered by a body one off from the norm? I certainly don't. I do everything I can to help her make sense of her world and protect her from too much all at once, but I am only one person and I really like to document our history with pictures. :)
A BIG thank you to Paul for taking these pictures and for being willing to do it over and over. :)
Monday, September 24, 2007
Hamster in a wheel
One more week that we didn't sell our house in. I'm going bananas. I find disappointment in the smallest tasks because I'm still washing my hands in the same sink, vacuuming the same carpet, driving up the same driveway and I want so badly to be in a different house that is closer to Geoff. If we were closer, he would even be able to come home for lunch once in a while. We could go on dates and to the Temple more often. I wouldn't worry about all of the road and all of the cars between here and there. He wouldn't have to fill up his gas tank every 4 days. It would strip away a heavy layer of stress. It would... We could...
But, you see, I know it's not healthy to live on the woulds, coulds and somedays, but an even bigger BUT is that I can't seem to help it. It's like the proverbial carrot on a stick- always there in front of me, but no matter how many steps I take forward, I never reach the carrot. And lately, I feel like I'm standing still while the carrot somehow moves further and further away. I mean, what can I do besides sit in a clean house that is ready to show? Short of standing on a corner with a sandwich sign that says "Buy My House!" Talk about a lesson in futility. There's just not much I can actually DO to make our house sell any faster.
They're coming to get the portable storage unit today. We've packed away so much stuff! It helps keep the house clean, but it's been in there long enough and we thought we'd be gone before now, so we're starting to miss things. Things like Halloween costumes, the tote with the coats in it, the maternity clothes (for Heather to borrow). How soon before we need the high chair, and some of the other baby stuff we packed? All of the Christmas decorations are in there. It looks like our house is going to be very bare for a very long time.
But, you see, I know it's not healthy to live on the woulds, coulds and somedays, but an even bigger BUT is that I can't seem to help it. It's like the proverbial carrot on a stick- always there in front of me, but no matter how many steps I take forward, I never reach the carrot. And lately, I feel like I'm standing still while the carrot somehow moves further and further away. I mean, what can I do besides sit in a clean house that is ready to show? Short of standing on a corner with a sandwich sign that says "Buy My House!" Talk about a lesson in futility. There's just not much I can actually DO to make our house sell any faster.
They're coming to get the portable storage unit today. We've packed away so much stuff! It helps keep the house clean, but it's been in there long enough and we thought we'd be gone before now, so we're starting to miss things. Things like Halloween costumes, the tote with the coats in it, the maternity clothes (for Heather to borrow). How soon before we need the high chair, and some of the other baby stuff we packed? All of the Christmas decorations are in there. It looks like our house is going to be very bare for a very long time.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
9 Years
"I've never been married to anyone for 9 years before." That's what my husband said yesterday morning as we woke up to our 9th Anniversary. I haven't either. I've never had nearly 4 kids with anyone else before either. :) When I step back and look at it that way, 9 years and 4 kids makes me feel really old. But I don't really feel old. I still feel like me. I still like root beer flavored popsicles. I still don't particularly like swimming. I still love to try fixing my hair in different ways. I still care a lot about what people think of me and getting dressed still has a lot to do with the "image" I want to portray. However, I'm not afraid of the dark anymore. I'm in charge of more people than just myself. I'm involved with large (in comparison) amounts of money by managing it and hopefully spending it wisely. I feed and clothe other (smaller) people than myself and help them through their fears of the dark or the water.
I never understood my Mother until I became one myself. I hear her words coming out of my mouth every single day and they make complete sense now. My girls have the same reactions I did to them back then, though. Eyes rolling, breath huffing out in an annoyed fashion, posture changing to that rounded back, defeated pose of one who has been asked to do something that they should have done long ago. I've induced more whining than I'd like to admit and it's WAY annoying! I shudder to think how my Mom must have felt listening to me do that.
I must say just about the greatest feeling in the world is being the person that tearful eyes search for at the park... the one that gets all kinds of hugs and kisses and countless snuggles when a little one is having a hard day... the recipient of excited phrases spoken in triumph when a goal is finally reached. There's really no other feeling greater than being called "Mommy."
I turned 30 this year... something else I never actually visualized doing. Not that I thought that I wouldn't, but that it seemed so far away! Now it's here and it happened so slowly, I didn't even notice. My 4th child is due in 9 more days and assuming everything goes well, we will finally have our boy! I am beyond excited! I guess I'm one of those people that is happy and excited a lot of the time because I feel like NOW is the best time of my life and I remember having this feeling before! :) Life is SO meant to be enjoyed!
I never understood my Mother until I became one myself. I hear her words coming out of my mouth every single day and they make complete sense now. My girls have the same reactions I did to them back then, though. Eyes rolling, breath huffing out in an annoyed fashion, posture changing to that rounded back, defeated pose of one who has been asked to do something that they should have done long ago. I've induced more whining than I'd like to admit and it's WAY annoying! I shudder to think how my Mom must have felt listening to me do that.
I must say just about the greatest feeling in the world is being the person that tearful eyes search for at the park... the one that gets all kinds of hugs and kisses and countless snuggles when a little one is having a hard day... the recipient of excited phrases spoken in triumph when a goal is finally reached. There's really no other feeling greater than being called "Mommy."
I turned 30 this year... something else I never actually visualized doing. Not that I thought that I wouldn't, but that it seemed so far away! Now it's here and it happened so slowly, I didn't even notice. My 4th child is due in 9 more days and assuming everything goes well, we will finally have our boy! I am beyond excited! I guess I'm one of those people that is happy and excited a lot of the time because I feel like NOW is the best time of my life and I remember having this feeling before! :) Life is SO meant to be enjoyed!
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Seizure-land
Well, we've officially changed addresses and made a full move to Seizure-land. Rebecca (Becca) turned 6 in January and had already had an "episode" or two. As we have gone down several avenues with our hands out in front of us trying to feel for an answer, we are on seizure meds (Trileptol), getting a g-tube and we're having a sleep study done next week, which I already believe will show serious problems. I have got to figure out a way to get some back-up oxygen in the house for when she has trouble. I was told her oxygen levels have to dip to 80% to have insurance cover extra oxygen at home. I'm sure she's been there, she goes blue for goodness sake!, but no one has been there with an oximeter in their hand when she does it.
We sailed through the first 5 years, we really did. The worst thing we went to the doctor for was a bad cold or a urinary infection. Every year in school we see big improvements in her awareness and initiating communication and just overall happiness. Every little thing makes her so happy! And then these nasty old seizures come along and ruin everything. And after reading and researching on my own, there's no turning back, no miracle cure. It will just slowly get worse and worse, I know that. I don't have to give in to it, but I do have to accept it. Last night she wasn't feeling good, I have no idea why- maybe the various chemicals coursing through her body were making her uncomfortable, but as soon as I went in to her room and talked to her, she smiled! She smiled that "I know you're here Mom and you love me... please make it go away." I can't always make it go away and that is the number one hardest thing for me. Walking through public, myriads of doctor appointments, even procedures don't faze me anymore; it's the look that she gives me- that perfect childlike trust that everything will be better if Mom is there. But I'm not magic, I'm not a miracle worker and I can't reach in and fix things even though I know what could be "fixed."
Most of the time I feel like Becca really gets a lot out of life. Her sisters adore her, she's Daddy's little girl (and Mommy's!), she loves music and being outside- we can tell that she's happy and that she loves us back. The thought of that slowly leaving her just socks me in the stomach, if you know what I mean. Some of you do, all to well. I guess I just keep giving her as much love and joy as I can so that I can fulfill the assignment that God gave me of being her Mom. I suppose I'm a little too old to stomp my feet and pout about it, better just dig in my heels and try to enjoy the ride!
Sometimes I feel like my plane got re-routed to Saturn instead of even Holland!
We sailed through the first 5 years, we really did. The worst thing we went to the doctor for was a bad cold or a urinary infection. Every year in school we see big improvements in her awareness and initiating communication and just overall happiness. Every little thing makes her so happy! And then these nasty old seizures come along and ruin everything. And after reading and researching on my own, there's no turning back, no miracle cure. It will just slowly get worse and worse, I know that. I don't have to give in to it, but I do have to accept it. Last night she wasn't feeling good, I have no idea why- maybe the various chemicals coursing through her body were making her uncomfortable, but as soon as I went in to her room and talked to her, she smiled! She smiled that "I know you're here Mom and you love me... please make it go away." I can't always make it go away and that is the number one hardest thing for me. Walking through public, myriads of doctor appointments, even procedures don't faze me anymore; it's the look that she gives me- that perfect childlike trust that everything will be better if Mom is there. But I'm not magic, I'm not a miracle worker and I can't reach in and fix things even though I know what could be "fixed."
Most of the time I feel like Becca really gets a lot out of life. Her sisters adore her, she's Daddy's little girl (and Mommy's!), she loves music and being outside- we can tell that she's happy and that she loves us back. The thought of that slowly leaving her just socks me in the stomach, if you know what I mean. Some of you do, all to well. I guess I just keep giving her as much love and joy as I can so that I can fulfill the assignment that God gave me of being her Mom. I suppose I'm a little too old to stomp my feet and pout about it, better just dig in my heels and try to enjoy the ride!
Sometimes I feel like my plane got re-routed to Saturn instead of even Holland!
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Comfort
Today it looks gloomy and stormy outside. It's windy and the clouds have that "drawn with charcoal and then brushed down with a paper towel" look. So, I’m thinking it might actually rain today.
I LOVE rainy days! Maybe it's because I was born in April, but mostly I think it's because of the way it seems to wash everything and leave it fresh and clean smelling. I just love the way it smells right before it rains, while it's raining and after it's done. I also love that it is an excuse to stay inside, hibernating.
I'm wearing the closest thing I have to sweats, having banned actual sweats because I couldn't stop wearing them... in public. They're knit and they have a nice shape and they're comfortable. I'm wearing the shirt my sister sent to me from the college in their town that her husband is going to. I miss her SO much and she sent me this shirt- emotional comfort. The only reason I have anything on my feet was so I could walk Becca out to the bus and those would be the bright pink flip flops I tied scraps of pink and yellow fabric to at my favorite reunion last summer. So, basically I'm dressed as a housewife, not the competitive, "my highlights must be highlightier than yours," just the "I love my kids and I've had a rough week full of doctor appointments and running around and I just wanna stay home" kind of stay at home mom day.
So, what am I going to do today on my day of comfort? I'm going to sew. Wanna know why? There is something about the things I sew that bring a different kind of comfort. I love knowing that the child that will wear the big sized onesies I'm making will have a way to look like everyone else while still having a way to get the food into him the way that he needs it to be. When he sits in his wheelchair or rolls around on the floor, his shirt will stay tucked in. To his Mom, I know that's a big deal. I love knowing that the simple toys I make that are full of texture will bring joy to someone who doesn't always care that toys make noise because they all feel like plastic, but a book full of textured fabrics is fun to feel and colorful to look at. I love the coats and jackets that I make keep kids warm and dry- including their laps, because when you sit in a rain storm, your lap absorbs the most water!
I rarely sew for myself in the physical sense of sewing something for myself. I do sew for myself in the "pay it forward" sense that I'm making something that will make someone else happy. And when they are happy, so are the people around them and so on and so on. So, really I get my gratification when others get theirs from something I've made. I hope that's not too selfish, because I LOVE it SO much!
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